It’s been over a month since we moved into this townhouse. Ten days from now, my partner and I will be saying “I do”. It’s been a crazy time and a dynamic September with so many changes, more flavors, and more colors to life.
My relationships with everyone is changing. Everyone. Even myself. When my Mother and I go out to lunch, I offer to pay. Every time. And she let’s me. Me feeling like I should pay, and that I want to, is a change. Her continuing to let me pay, time after time, is an even bigger change. My relationship with my Mother is complete 180 degree turn from where it was even a year ago. It’s less mother/daughter, and more like two women who take care of and support one another.
My relationship with my partner has changed, and these changes I can only try and find the words to explain. But, I guess I’m seeing her more as my spouse, as my own family member, and less like the girl I was once lucky to meet. I’ve never had my own family before. “My” family?? What a change! When I use to think of “my family”, I thought of my Mother and my Father. I didnt’ think about my two older brothers, because they’ve both been married and have had their own families for quite some time now.
My relationships with my bridesmaids, with my friends, and coworkers are all different. Things are just different. Everything seems important lately, and so many things have been obvious. Which people in my life are really good friends, which are acquaintances, which I can live without. Who is behind me, who supports me, who is happy for me, and who just drains me. Who really wants to see me succeed, and who is maybe also hoping for a day when I start to fall.
I’ve started shopping in the misses department in department stores. The junior sections have materials and styles that are just too young, too shiny, too not me. I’m starting to shed my short shorts, my shorter dresses, and my clingier tanks. Hugging and showing off my body just isn’t where I am anymore. Instead, I find myself looking to cover my body up “appropriately, look sophisticated, and look like someone who I would want to meet.
I’ve always been really self-involved, and even that’s changed quite a bit. It’s no longer just me, my wants, and my needs. There exists this lovely woman who will shortly be my wife, and whom I am inspired to take care of even more than I take care of myself.
My body is changing, and no, it’s not like that going through puberty change. It’s more of a getting older and things starting to slow down more kind of change. Things that were always problems for other adults around me are starting to be problems for my own body. I’ve started talking to my older friends and older family members, seeking advice, trying new vitamins and medications.
Asking my older friends and family members for advice on life insurance and investments is also a change. I’ve been driving more slowly, being kinder to timid cars around me. I’ve been kinder to myself. I’ve been judging myself and everyone around me much less.
There is definitely one huge, solid change, and I guess if I had to find words for it, it’s just that I don’t care about stupid things anymore. Who cares if I’m over twenty-four hours behind on my Facebook timeline? I’ll catch up. Who cares if more of my heterosexual married friends are continuing to become parents, and I still don’t feel ready yet? I’ll get there when I’m ready. Who cares if the stranger I just walked past gave me a dirty look? I don’t know them, and their judgement of me says everything about them and nothing about myself.
Man, how I wish I could have stopped caring about things like this years and years ago!
…But it wasn’t my journey to. It’s my journey to realize now that I don’t need to care. I needed to do the work of saving money for this wedding we’re having, and for this townhouse we’re now living in. I needed to face my insecurities and to be honest with myself about all my dislikes and annoyances with and about myself.
I needed to feel insecure and shaky so that I could find security in my own identify, and with the things I’m able to provide myself. These changes have not been the easiest, but they were all needed, and now I’m happy this change has arrived.
2015, my wedding year, has definitely been the biggest year of my life so far. But I have a feeling 2016 will also bring many changes, and I’m now feeling more solid in myself, and looking forward to them.