Winter Storm Jonas

and all the amazing allowances a proper snow storm allows.

Amazing ways to pass time when your wife, your cat, and yourself, all get snowed in together all weekend:

-Procure lots of a fun, recreational substance before said snow storm hits.
-Procure lots of both wine and beer before said snow storm hits.
-Procure lots of unhealthy snacks and junk food before said snow storm hits.
-Have lots of sex, several times a day, for days on end, because, shit, why the hell not??
-Marathon Netflix for hours on end, for days on end, because…why the hell not?

Okay, before this looks like an indulgent, millennial, “I did nothing but smoke and have mind-blowing sex all weekend post”, we did pull ourselves out of bed to dig out my car.  We did do that.  It’s something.  I did something this weekend.

….but seriously, can we please have another storm just like this a week from now?

I hope everyone had a safe, and happy weekend, especially those in the path of this crazy storm!

I wish

[but now is the time]

I wish I could go lay down in the snow, and let it cover me like a blanket.
I could lay there for days, the snow on top of me slowly melting away, before my body would become exposed by the sun.
Before I’d have to get up, dry off, and go out and face the world again.

I wish more snow had fallen, so I could stay wrapped up with my wife.
Both in footie pajamas, watching Netflix endlessly, drinking wine at night.
Tangling ourselves all day and all night, sweating, panting, that final sweet release.

I wish twice the amount of snow that fell had fallen, three times, four times, I don’t care.
I wish we were all more shut up more in our homes, I wish we were all more stranded.

 But now is the time.

I know what I must do.  I’ve already done so much already.  I know what I’ll do tonight.

And, I know what I’ll do tomorrow when I get to work, after hours of shoveling, and careful driving through all the snow and ice.

I just hope I know what I’m doing.  I just hope I really am that strong, badass woman I never thought I’d grow up to be.  The one my loved ones keep telling me I am.

Terrified, but Free

The time has come for me to be a part-time kickass boss lady.

I walked into my boss’s office yesterday.  She immediately greeted me in an unusual way, and I knew right away that she had already looked at my new schedule request.

I walked further into the office, closed the door, and sat down.  She wasted no time.

“Is there anything we can do?” was the first question she asked me, which already told me that I had won the battle with no need for a war.

I said “No.”  And then I lied and said that I plan to start teaching yoga on the weekends.  I don’t plan to start teaching yoga on the weekends, or to even start teaching yoga yet.  I’m craving to have some weekends free, I’m craving to not give any weekend days to any employer.  I’m craving to go out on my own and make my own money, not a small portion of money while an employer keeps the larger part of it.

But I couldn’t say those things, not if I wanted what I was asking for.  So I told this lie, and sat in that chair preparing to hold my ground.

My boss surprised me and asked if they could offer me more money to stay full time.  I was curious, but I held my ground.  I rejected the offer without even hearing how much more she was willing to pay me (I’m willing to bet it wasn’t much!)

After some more talking, she amicably agreed to this new schedule.  I came out of a massage an hour later, and she had already changed my schedule.

Starting next month I only work for an employer Monday, Tuesday and Thursday.

I’m going to rely on myself to make up the rest of my income.

 I’m fucking terrified.  But I’m fucking free.

 

Trampoline Jumping and Partying

a weekend well spent with close friends is a weekend well spent.

Early Saturday morning my wife and I woke up early to jump on a bunch of trampolines
With my best friend of twenty-two years, and my Goddaughter and her father.

IMG_9311

And there were so many trampolines, and pits, and activities involving jumping.
We all jumped so much and so long that we grew sweaty, and needed water and rests between jumps.

My body jumped so high I felt like I was soaring.
I could feel the eyes of my family, and the other parents of other children around me.

All the jumping, and sweating, and the pumping of my heart felt so good
After three hot yoga classes in a seven day period.

I feel different, stronger, capable, and determined.
I feel more confident and more free again.  I’m staring to finally feel like myself again.

We filled up on breakfast afterwards, and then my wife and I spent that evening and tonight.
Among other groups of friends of ours.
We didn’t spend a single night this weekend in our own home, eating our own home cooked meals.

We spent all weekend with three different groups of friends, drinking, smoking, laughing, joking, watching documentaries, playing board games, and celebrating puppy’s first birthdays.

IMG_9441I love spending my weekends with family and friends.
It’s what I like to do.  I like the warmth, love, and connection.

This weekend was just what I needed.  I no longer feel like my life is half spinning out of control.

I’m planning to get lots of sleep this week, and take my very first independent contracting gig, and finally get my oil changed.

I also plan on sitting my boss down and telling her that I’m going part time next month.

I’ve got a long, adult week ahead of me, and I’m so scared I’m going to continue to be too much of a coward to face it all.

That Big Rush of Bravery

that I’m hoping will hit me over the head at any moment.

I’m currently waiting, and I have been waiting, for that rush or bravery, of nerve, of sudden courage, to go part-time at my full-time job, and start taking out calls.

  • I’ve made and received my first round of business cards.
  • I’ve bought and received new massage oils, and new sets of flannel sheets.
  • I’ve cleaned up my iPad, upgraded to Spotify premium, turned off all social media notifications, and made it an iPad that I can work from.

The only problem is, I haven’t started the work yet.  The only problem is I haven’t talked to my boss yet.

[The biggest problem is I haven’t taken that big jump off the cliff yet.]

Yesterday I daydreamed that tomorrow would be the day.  Now I’m having second thoughts.  We’ll see.  Right now my future feels so heavy in my own hands.